The concept of a “good mother” is deeply ingrained in societal expectations, yet it remains elusive and often contradictory. Shaped by unattainable parenting ideals and external judgments, the narrative of motherhood is polarized into “good” and “bad,” overshadowing the true complexities and ambivalences of raising children. This article explores the societal pressures surrounding motherhood, the impact of neoliberal demands on mothers, and the urgent need to redefine maternal expectations to better support women in their parenting journeys.
The Myth of the “Good Mother”
The idea of a “good mother” is a social construct that has evolved over time, influenced by cultural, economic, and political factors. In her book La historia de los vertebrados, Mar García Puig poignantly captures the paradox of motherhood: “In the kitchen of patriarchy, women will never be able to find the exact doses of the ingredients of good motherhood. No woman is celebrated for being a mother to her children—after all, it’s in her instinct—but if she fails, she becomes the embodiment of evil.”
This dichotomy places immense pressure on women to conform to idealized standards of motherhood while facing harsh criticism if they fall short. Authors like Rachel Cusk, Sheila Heti, Silvia Federici, Adrienne Rich, and Jane Lazarre have explored the multifaceted demands of motherhood, highlighting how the polarized narrative of “good” versus “bad” mothers obscures the real challenges and ambivalences of parenting.
Societal Expectations and Contradictions
A 2022 study published in the Journal of Marriage and Family, titled What Makes a Good Mother? Two Decades of Research Reflecting Social Norms of Motherhood, analyzed over 100 articles from the past 20 years to examine the social norms defining motherhood. The study, which focused on WEIRD countries (Western, Educated, Industrialized, Rich, and Democratic), revealed that expectations of a “good mother” are not only varied but also contradictory. These societal pressures perpetuate inequalities rather than providing genuine support to mothers.
Eva-Maria Schmidt, a researcher at the University of Vienna and one of the study’s authors, explains that in Western societies, a “good mother” is expected to be present and attentive to her child, future-oriented to ensure the child’s successful development, and capable of balancing work and motherhood seamlessly. Additionally, she is expected to appear happy and fulfilled, even if this is far from her reality.
In Spain, these expectations are equally prevalent. María Isabel Jociles Rubio, a professor of Anthropology and Sociology at the Complutense University of Madrid, notes that while definitions of a “good mother” may vary, they all share common themes. “Women are held responsible for the physical and mental well-being of their children,” she says. “They are expected to be constantly attentive, deeply knowledgeable about their children’s needs, and quick to respond to any issues.”
The Neoliberal Burden on Mothers
The neoliberal framework exacerbates the pressures on mothers by demanding that they excel not only in caregiving but also in their careers and personal growth. This unrealistic expectation creates an unsustainable burden, particularly in a society that lacks adequate support systems for working mothers. Schmidt emphasizes that these demands reinforce patriarchal structures and gender inequalities, as mothers are left to navigate these challenges individually.
Jociles adds that the pressure to perfectly balance personal and professional life is one of the factors contributing to declining birth rates in many countries. “The demands are so overwhelming that many women doubt their ability to meet them,” she says. This uncertainty, coupled with the loss of extended family networks and the increasing isolation of modern motherhood, leaves many families feeling lost in the complexities of parenting.
The Rise of Parenting Experts
In the absence of traditional support systems, many mothers turn to parenting experts, books, and workshops for guidance. While these resources can be helpful, they also contribute to a homogenized view of motherhood and parenting. Jociles argues that this reliance on external expertise undermines the value of traditional knowledge passed down through generations. “The wisdom that was once shared among mothers, daughters, friends, and neighbors is now dismissed in favor of professional advice,” she says. This shift fosters a growing dependence on experts and perpetuates a narrow, standardized vision of what it means to be a “good mother.”
Listening to Mothers: A Call for Change
Anna Escobedo, a sociologist and professor at the University of Barcelona, advocates for a more inclusive and democratic approach to motherhood. “In our society, which strives for greater equality, it is essential to listen to mothers, respect their diverse needs, and avoid imposing normative standards that do not align with their realities,” she says. Escobedo emphasizes the importance of creating policies that support families and address the real challenges of parenting.
One such policy is the implementation of flexible parental leave and high-quality childcare services. Escobedo suggests that families should have access to at least one year of parental leave to care for their children, with both mothers and fathers encouraged to participate in caregiving. Additionally, she calls for policies that address the needs of working parents, such as paid sick leave and affordable childcare options.
Redefining Motherhood: A Path Forward
The concept of a “good mother” is not only unrealistic but also harmful, as it places undue pressure on women and perpetuates gender inequalities. To move forward, society must redefine motherhood in a way that acknowledges its complexities and supports mothers in their diverse experiences.
- Challenge Societal Expectations: It is crucial to dismantle the idealized image of motherhood and recognize that there is no one-size-fits-all approach to parenting. Mothers should be celebrated for their efforts, regardless of whether they conform to traditional norms.
- Promote Shared Parenting: Encouraging fathers to take an active role in caregiving can alleviate some of the pressures on mothers and foster a more equitable division of labor within families.
- Provide Real Support: Governments and employers must implement policies that support working parents, such as paid parental leave, flexible work arrangements, and accessible childcare services.
- Amplify Maternal Voices: Mothers should be given a platform to share their experiences and challenges, ensuring that their voices are heard in discussions about parenting and family policies.
- Foster Community Connections: Rebuilding community networks and support systems can help combat the isolation of modern motherhood and provide mothers with the resources they need to thrive.
Conclusion: Embracing the Complexity of Motherhood
The concept of a “good mother” is a social construct that fails to capture the true complexities and challenges of parenting. By redefining motherhood and creating supportive policies, society can empower mothers to navigate their roles with confidence and resilience. As Escobedo aptly puts it, “It is urgent to rethink the expectations of motherhood, listen to mothers, and create policies centered on their real needs.” Only then can we move toward a more inclusive and equitable vision of parenting that honors the diverse experiences of all mothers.